How have I been doing?

Not so good. With me, I cry a lot when I talk about emotional things that I can't get the words out so writing about it to let people know what I'm feeling is so much easier for me and sort of a therapy for myself to write it down. I think I'm more fragile now than I was 6 days ago. I think the shock has wore off and the reality has finally set in and I can't believe what I'm feeling. So much emotional pain. My heart just feels so heavy all the time. Why me? Why now? Why on Mother's day weekend of all weekends? Why couldn't my body have just figured it out 8 weeks ago when I actually lost the baby and didn't know it? The cramping and bleeding continue and they are a constant reminder of what I've lost. When will that end? I feel like I'm crying non stop, constantly wiping away the tears-when I'm in the shower, when I'm laying in bed at night, when I'm all alone wrapped in nothing but my thoughts. I can't escape the pain...

Then I look at the precious daughter that Heavenly Father sent to me and I realize the blessing that I've been given. The strength that Lydia has given me over the past 6 days is unbelievable. Who would've thought that a two year old could have such power? I seriously would have gone crazy without her during this time. She truly is my saving grace and I hope she'll read this one day and see that she saved her mama's life and her sanity. I look at her and I see Heavenly Father's love for me and I know that there is hope of getting through this pain. I know that He has a plan for me and that His will will be done. How comforting it is to know that I have a purpose here on this earth and that I'm not just wondering aimlessly. I knew that before I came here in this mortal body that there would be pain and suffering but I also knew that the joy in this earthly life and in the next would far outweigh that pain.

I look at women who long to be mother's and can't have them. Then I think of myself and what I'm going through and I realize what a blessing Lydia is. Over the past couple of months I have taken her for granted and I haven't treated her properly. I now have a new perspective and I hope I never lose it. Maybe this is one of the things I needed my eyes to be opened to and going through this pain was the only way I was going to see it.

Although this pain kills me inside, I know that I've been blessed with a beautiful, kind little girl and a wonderful, caring husband who love and care for me to no end. I am blessed and grateful for what I DO have and I WILL get through this time in my life.

I can't thank everyone enough for the dozens and dozens of words of love and support. I can't even begin to say thank you to my sweet friend Lynette for checking up on me every day to make sure I'm surviving and for her getting me out of the house. Your distractions have saved my life this week. Lynette and Joey, you are amazing people and I am grateful to have you in my life. Our friendship was truly meant to be.

My adorable sister-in-law Ducka; you'll never know what that one act of kindness did for me that day. You're the best. And to Dianna; thank you for helping me realize the difference between knowing this all happened for a reason and feeling it :) It's good to know that you finally came to that place where you felt that it was meant to be instead of just knowing that that's the way the Lord wants it. I've only gotten through that first step but I know that's ok.

I am in mourning and I know now that that's ok. If crying until there are no tears left to cry, then that's what I will do. I'm sure I have a long road ahead of me but knowing that I AM a mother brings so much comfort to me.

This has been the biggest emotional roller coaster I've ever been on. One minute I'm laughing and the next I'm crying hysterically. But the one constant I have had with me 24/7 since this all began is the spirit and I'm grateful for it's comfort and guidance. To be worthy enough to feel that spirit daily and to feel the love of my Heavenly Father is wonderful. I know that I don't stand alone. Every now and then I feel a tiny bit of peace and I'm so grateful for that. I know one day that that peace will be a constant when I look back on this time in my life.

I am so grateful for the knowledge I have of the Savior and all of the suffering He did for me. He knows exactly what I am going through and I am grateful for His great example of courage, strength, and unwavering faith.

I pray for His strength.

I pray for more faith.
And through prayer I know that

this too shall pass.